I saw something on Tumblr that said, “I wish we were together.”
I wish we were together.
It made me think about how rarely I have someone I wish I was together, in that sense, a romantic sense, a sexual sense, with. Oftentimes I wish I had someone, but I rarely have a specific person in mind. I guess that’s because whenever I have some kind of flirtation with someone, I usually realize I don’t like them pretty quickly. Why is that? Why does that always happen to me? I’m nineteen years old. I’ve kissed two people. Ever. I do not know either of their names. I was drunk both times. I thought about this a lot. My friends judge me for this, I think. My friends from home. Probably a few of my friends at school would, but I don’t really get into it with them. My friends from home, they have either gone from relationship to relationship, or, like me, their romantic history is somewhat of an blank page. But they still don’t understand what I’m doing, completely. I just think that if I don’t have anyone who I even have a crush on, why not enjoy myself when I go out to parties? Why not get some experience? It’s possible that it could be a few more years before I have a real relationship. I hate to think that, but it is so possible. Why would I want to be a 25 year old who has never kissed anyone? The thought of that stresses me out. It also stresses me out that me, and my one other best friend are the last of my friends from high school to lose are virginities. It’s weird. I feel ready to have sex. I feel ready to meet someone. I used to cringe at the idea of being responsible for someone, of having to inform them of all the details of your life and work with them and be with them. But that doesn’t seem so bad anymore. I guess that’s because I’m really alone now. I don’t have my high school friends with me for every move I make.
All of this scares me. The unknown scares me. The fact that I am always alone scares me. My roommate has basically moved out with a week left in the semester. I have other friends. I could easily call them. But I feel like a nuisance. I don’t feel comfortable calling them up, even though I should. I don’t know. I guess I’m just ready to go home.
Sorry. I don’t think this is very lucid. I just need to write my thoughts down, I think.